Oneness
Early on a Saturday morning I got one of those calls you never expect, are never prepared for, and dread. My best friend and WFI board member, Jana Hagen, was barely able to speak through her shock and grief: "Luke died last night. I need your help." I dropped everything and went to do whatever I could for my dear friend.
Luke was Jana's beloved dog, but to call him a dog says so little about who he was. He was Jana's companion, a family member, my dog's playmate, and a source of play, joy and love to everyone who knew him. His sudden accidental death that fall evening took all of that away from us. Together in our shock, Jana, her friend Tara and I wrapped Luke's body in a blanket, lifted and carried him to the car, delivered him to a 24-hour animal hospital, signed paperwork, and grieved. I cried hard on the sad drive home, asking over and over why this would happen to Luke... to Jana? to all of us. Some people would say, "He was just a dog. It's sad, but you get over it." Yet Jana's feelings of loss and guilt were deep and real; my sobs came from my core.
As I repeatedly asked my unanswerable "Why?" I realized Luke's impact on all of us, even the staff at the hospital who felt so bad for us and couldn't find adequate words of comfort. Luke's passing was a profound demonstration of how connected we all are, not just to our families, our friends, and our communities, but to all people and all life on Earth, even animals and plants. This thought struck me as I drove home that morning, and the next moment, as if an angel whispered in my ear, I heard the words "Luke's legacy."
At World Forgiveness Initiative we say that when we know we are truly connected as one, forgiveness becomes an easy, almost magic doorway to freedom, power and joy. After all, if we are all one, and we live our lives aware of that oneness, what would we resent? Luke's legacy to us is his reminder of our connection to all humanity, and more, to all of life.
Jennifer Rotermund
Executive Director of WFI
Seattle, WA
What to Forgive
Many people come to our events and say things like, "I see that forgiveness can make a huge difference, but I really don't have anything to forgive. I've had a good life. I've never suffered a serious injury, loss or betrayal." Especially in America and other privileged First World countries, many of us feel that the need to practice forgiveness doesn't apply to us.
The truth is that everyone can benefit from practicing forgiveness. For all but the saints among us, not a day goes by without some offense, however small. These offenses build up like road dust on a car window until we can't see the sunshine through the grit of unconscious resentment. Forgiveness washes that window clear so we can see and experience freedom, power and joy again.
So what can you forgive? The list is endless, and it comes in all sizes:
- Bad grades, missed promotions, lost opportunities
- Misunderstandings and/or actual abuse, in any relationship
- Gossip that embarrassed you
- Taxes and other government actions
- Company policies you feel are harmful
- Things you think should have happened and didn't
- Crime, whether it happened to you or the fear of crime changed your life
Essentially, any event or circumstance that has occurred and that you remember with anger, rage, fear, hopelessness, helplessness, depression, resentment or any of the other 'negative' emotions is a candidate for forgiving.
Don't underestimate the power of forgiving little things. One of our team members created a new, dreamed-of career and doubled her earning power after forgiving one offhand comment made by her father (with loving intent) when she was a teenager.
Who to Forgive
There are as many people to forgive as there are events that hurt us, and we are often unaware of how many people are involved in these events. For whatever event you want to forgive, look at people or organizations that may fall in one of the following categories of involvement.
- People or organizations who did the damage, whether the damage was intentional or not.
- People who didn't or still don't get the depth of your injury. Example: a well-meaning friend who says "It's time to get over it and move on," or "Don't take it so personally," while you are still hurting. Such comments can often create additional pain.
- People who you think could have and should have helped and didn't. Example: a school worker who failed to stop one child from bullying another.
- Ourselves: our emotions, our actions and reactions, and our choices. This is critical. We can often forgive others, yet fail to forgive ourselves. Example: If you make a loan to a friend or family member and they don't pay you back, to truly restore your freedom and power around money, it is important to forgive not just the borrower, but yourself for making that financial decision.
Forgiving
As much as we wish we could give you a quick-and-easy recipe that would produce an effortless result every time, the truth is that forgiveness is an individual journey that we can't fully encapsulate on a Web site. What we can do is describe what we've learned are important ingredients of forgiveness and give you a very brief description of how they apply to a basic process of forgiveness.
The Ingredients
- Willingness
We've found that even when we feel incapable of forgiving something, just being willing to forgive without knowing how is enough to get started. - Gratitude
It may seem strange to recommend gratitude when we're talking about forgiving hurts, but gratitude is the best tool we know for moving from obsessive thoughts to an open heart. - Surrender
There's a saying that "Forgiveness is giving up all hopes for a better past." Our unwillingness to accept that what happened can't be erased keeps us stuck in non-forgiveness. There is both power and freedom in surrendering our insistence on what should have happened and choosing to deal with the reality of what did happen.
Stages of Forgiveness
- Reviewing what happened:
This review is different from the standard rehashing of events that we usually do with friends who will agree with us about how bad and wrong the whole situation is. Instead of that pattern, this process is a purely factual reporting of what happened, without adding your emotions or judgments. This takes willingness and surrender. - Experiencing the emotions:
This may be the most frightening part of the forgiveness process, but it is critical. As Jo Ann, our founder, often says, "You can't heal what you won't feel." To truly heal, we must be willing to feel and validate any emotions we have stuffed or denied about the event. To do this we need a big helping of all three ingredients listed above: willingness to feel the emotions we have stored up, the strength to surrender our defenses against feeling bad, and most of all, gratitude for all our emotions, whatever they are. - Looking for the deeper lesson:
Many wise people around the world have said that every experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. Often traumatic events provide the greatest opportunities for this growth. Looking for these lessons requires us to surrender our belief that we already know everything there is to know about what happened and why, and the willingness to consider new interpretations about the events and people involved. - Accepting the gift and forgiving:
Once we have surrendered our fixed stories about what happened and why, a hidden gift of healing is often revealed. The willingness to accept this gift leads to a deep gratitude for the very events and people we have been blaming and judging. This is how forgiveness becomes easy and natural. After all, how hard is it to forgive someone who has given you such a precious gift?
This information is offered only as a taste of the basics of forgiving. If you are interested in really experiencing forgiveness, we recommend one of our book studies or, best of all, our two-day Forgiveness 101 Workshop.
Remember that forgiving is uniquely personal. Just as a map cannot give you the experience of traveling through a landscape, no written description of forgiveness can fully convey the experience of a journey from hurt and anger to joy and freedom. Only taking the trip yourself will provide that.
Support
Sadly, our culture at this point does not support forgiveness easily. If it did, there would be no need for World Forgiveness Initiative. For thousands of years we have chosen hatred, retribution and revenge for our injuries and called that justice. Even the examples of forgiveness that most people know - Christ, Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, and others - are presented as exceptions, not as examples to live by.
However, support for forgiving is beginning to be more available. In particular, we recommend the individuals, tools, and organizations mentioned on our Resources page.
We've discovered (along with many others) that the best way to change our habits of non-forgiveness, blaming, and judging is to create a network of fellow travelers to journey with. You can look around in your community for forgiveness support that may already exist, or you can begin to create your own by participating with or creating World Forgiveness Initiative programs where you are.